About Kristi
I joined proanorexia for the first time in the beginning of 2006. At the time, Kristi was NOT the maintainer of proanorexia, however she posted almost everyday and replied to people who really needed someone to talk to. I was fresh out of the hospital the first time I spoke to her. She offered her ear to listen about the things that were going on in my life. Through AIM, e-mail and telephone conversations, we developed a bond. When things were terrible and awful, I knew she would always be there for me. She was like that with everyone she encountered.
Kristi loved all the small things in life - the things most of us take for granted; warm showers, summer breezes, having company over, a book on a rainy day, a phone call with a friend...that was one of the most admirable things about her. Admist her eating disorder, she didn't lose sight of the important things that life was offering her. She stuck to her guns and when she believed in something, she believed in it. And she had no problem standing up for what she believed in and who she believed in whether it was a friend, family, her cats, or someone from the community. She had a total passion for animals (and was a devoted vegetarian).
When Proanorexia fell into the hands of Kristi, she took to it with a passion that surprised me. For someone so sick and so lost in an eating disorder, she made sure to keep the community running, and alive. She posted questions each day for everyone to discuss and debate. When someone was having a hard time, no matter how big or small, she was there to offer support. Although the board was beginning to divide between those who actually suffered and those who were looking for a ~*~AnA~*~ mary-kate fantasy, she still held on and tried to keep the community together. She kept it real, told people the truth, even if they didn't want to hear it. And that takes balls - to take on a community of at the time 1000 members. Although some bitched at her for the way she chose to run things (mainly those who told each other to fast for months on end, and to only drink water, because "yew'll b th1n 4 prom!") there was a great deal of support behind her from the ones who believed in her and the ones who cared about her.
On January 27th, 2007, Kristi took her own life, choosing to document the final moments of her life. There was shock, followed by sadness, followed by anger, followed by guilt, followed by emotions that I never wanted to feel; emotions that I didn't know existed. There were moments where I beat myself up for not signing online sooner, not calling her just to check up on her, not doing something that could have saved her life. I, like so many others, regret not reaching out to help her more. It takes time to let those feelings go, it takes time to let the death of someone that you love so much go.
The feelings have passed now; the anger, the guilt, the shock...the sadness still is there, creeping up behind me when I least expect it. There are days that go by where she is constantly on my mind, and there are days that stretch where there isn't a hint of her presence in my thoughts. I've learned that this is all okay. I've learned that you never really get over the death of someone you love and someone who is important to you. It doesn't get easier, over time you just learn how better to cope and deal with it. There are still times where I wish I could have showed her that there was hope, that life would get better, but I'm quick to dismiss those emotions now, quick to not dwell over what could have been done, what could have been said.
I know that I will always miss her. I will always miss what she brought to my life and what she brought to the community. I will always miss her discussion of the day posts, and emails and phone calls about everything and nothing. Although she is not here with me like I so badly wish she was, she is at peace now; she is where she wanted to be.
I've created this site to remember Kristi; who she was and what she was. What she brought to the lives of so many, and what she still brings into my life, even though she is no longer with us. I've created this site so that people who didn't get to know Kristi can understand her involvement in Proanorexia and how under her the community developed; I've created this site so that people can feel a connection to her the same way her closest friends did. I've created this community because even though the world is much emptier without her presence, our lives will always remain full because of what she brought to us.
"fly, fly my baby fly, up high go on touch the sky
yeah know thats where you'll go one day
but never on your own."
